The Diary of Elrond, Lord of Imladris
by elrond peredhel
Summary: Tolkien mentioned that Elrond's wife, Celebrian, left him after an attack by orcs on her return to Imladris from Lothlorien. This is my version of how Elrond coped with losing yet another love. Diary format.
1. 30:12:2509 TA

**The Diary of Lord Elrond Half-Elven of Imladris in the Years 2509- 2510 of the Third Age.**

**Chapter 1**

30/12/2509

Dear Diary,

Ever since that accursed orc attack Celebrían has been quiet, too quiet. Sometimes it's as if she simply isn't in the room. I am working day and night to help her recover from her ordeal, with only desperation left to fuel what little strength I have in reserve. I have healed her physical wounds but in spite of my doing everything I possibly can I cannot restore her peace of mind, cannot erase the hideous memories that plague her every waking- and sleeping- moments.

Celebrían continues to tense and flinch whenever I so much as enter the same room as her; I am afraid the dreaded Elven-Sickness may begin to claim her if she shows no sign of improvement soon. She is so weak now- refusing the energy I send her via our bond. There is a chance, Eru forbid it, that my wife is already fading, attempting to join Mandos in his halls without telling anyone until she is too far gone to help; the Doomsman's call to strong to resist. If this is the case then Celebrían is hiding her ailment extremely well indeed.

The Valar help me if she leaves, or… no. I will not allow that to happen.

Elrond


	2. 05:01:2510 TA

**The Diary of Lord Elrond Half-Elven of Imladris in the Years 2509- 2510 of the Third Age.**

**Chapter 2**

5/1/2510

Dear Diary,

Celebrían is gone. After leaving the comfort of Imladris behind in the early morn six days ago, as Arien began her ascent into the sky; my wife, a small delegation of our closest friends and family, and of course myself rode west to Mithlond, to the great grey ship that lay anchored in the placid waters of the harbour to say goodbye. Goodbye. I had thought we would be together as one, until the end of Arda, when we would forsake our lives here and sail for Valinor- the Undying Lands- and eternal peace together. It appears however, that my dreams meant nothing. I am doomed to spend the remainder off my immortal days alone and bereft of happiness. Indeed, it seems my life will continue to follow the trend it began with; where sorrow and pain dog my steps like a shadow, a suffocating cloak that chokes and joy I may happen to find.

Curse the Valar! Especially Námo, who has taken from me everyone I have ever loved, have ever given room in my heart; my parents when I was but a child, my twin, Elros, when we were the tender age of 500, my king-Ereinion Gil-Galad- in battle, and now my beloved wife Celebrían. I doubt I can live through the pain that even now wrenches at my heart, splitting open old wounds. I fear losing Celebrían may well be my breaking point.

Although I have suffered so many losses in my life, I find I still have the arrogance to hope I may survive this torment for, despite my tortuous existence, I have as yet discovered no wish to abandon the familiarity of my home.

Elrond


	3. 13:01:2510 TA

**The Diary of Lord Elrond Half-Elven of Imladris in the Years 2509- 2510 of the Third Age.**

**Chapter 3**

13/1/2510

Dear Diary,

I feel torn. Supporting my children has never been so difficult before. Arwen has taken the loss of her mother particularly hard and has regressed into her childhood. I rarely see her anywhere without her brothers; it is easy enough to tell that they need my support, but I must see to my own requirements before concentrating on anyone else.

I know my reasoning sounds selfish, but I do not want my friends or family to see the pain I feel. I had hoped the loss of Celebrían would not be the end of the line, but it seems that Eru has other plans for me. It is a straightforward thing to see that I, as my wife began to before me, am fading. My skin is pale, my hair dull and lifeless, an almost exact replica of my eyes which are slate grey and red-rimmed from the exhausting sorrow and weakness I know suffer almost constantly. My face is thin and haggard; I have lost weight- enough for old robes that previously stretched a little tight across my body and required tailoring to a bigger size now need to be taken in, lest they drown me in a sea of fabric.

In an attempt to prevent more problems from becoming lodged on my children's already overburdened shoulders I will lock myself in my chambers and live in the past, for that has become the only place I can hope to find solace, the only place I can think of that will afford me a little longer to live.

"Quit being such an extremist!" you might say, but I truly believe I am to die, and take with me the knowledge that Elladan, Elrohir and Arwen would soon follow. I say this because I am uncertain whether Arwen and the twins could cope with losing me so soon after their mother. Should they chase me to Mandos' Halls, they will create and spring a trap which will undoubtedly lead to others joining us before their time; it really is surprising that Galadriel and Celeborn have remained- Celebrían was their only daughter, their only child after all.

More when I have the strength to write. For now I will attempt to sleep, although I know with an uncomfortable certainty that the nightmares are guaranteed to attack again as soon as my eyes close, vivid and unforgiving as they have been every night since the ship left, carrying my wife further from me with each passing hour.

Elrond


	4. 03:02:2510 TA

**The Diary of Lord Elrond Half-Elven of Imladris in the Years 2509- 2510 of the Third Age.**

**Chapter 4**

3/2/2510

Dear Diary,

If anything, my few happy memories contribute towards hastening my death. Being partly of Mortal descent, I am prone to illness and although I am not sick, this defect permits me to fade much faster than the majority of elves- Celebrían had been fading for approximately the same amount of time as I have been, but due to the speed at which it overcame her, I could not yet see any difference in her body. I, however, feel awful. The little I do find the energy to eat does me no good- wasting yet more strength as my stomach rejects it; as a consequence of this I have had to confine myself to bed as the energy, strength and will to get up and move about eludes me as though it were a rabbit cowering in its earthy burrow from a wily, ravenous fox.

I wander how the children are coping? As their father I am supposed to be there to look after them but as I have not heard them playing outside for weeks, I do not know what sort of state they are in, and therefore would probably do absolutely nothing to improve the situation. The feeling of helplessness has been my constant companion since Celebrían broke the news of her wish to depart Middle-Earth to me.

There is no hope of sparing my life now; I can only pray to the Valar that my passing is relatively swift and painless. I pray my children do not endeavour to follow my feä to the Halls of Mandos - it would break many hearts other than my own.

Elrond


	5. 27:02:2510 TA

**The Diary of Lord Elrond Half-Elven of Imladris in the Years 2509- 2510 of the Third Age.**

**Chapter 5**

27/2/2510

Dear Diary,

This may well be my last entry. Over the centuries I have heard songs and read various tales and sagas detailing my days as a warrior of the high King's court, each one announcing my supposedly invincible strength and endless endurance, but contrary to the minstrels' belief even I have a limit: one I have reached.

My weakness is depressing; after weeks without sleep and only little sustenance, my breath rattles in my chest as each time becomes harder to inhale. Everything my tired eyes observe paint painful pictures: picnics in Imladris' extensive gardens as a family, riding through lush forest alongside a happily gurgling stream - the Bruinen- or the most painful of all: the birth of my children, our wedding and the night that followed. All are agonising reminders of Celebrían and our life together, reminders of another I have loved and lost, failed when they needed me most. I have tried to remove, hide and even destroy these various artefacts but each time I cannot bring myself to complete the attempt. Although painful, each good memory is precious to me (perhaps because I have so few?) and I find myself captivated as I pick up each object and then gently replace it.

Elrond


	6. 28:02:2510 TA

**The Diary of Lord Elrond Half-Elven of Imladris in the Years 2509- 2510 of the Third Age.**

**Chapter 6**

28/2/2510 TA

Dear Diary,

I can't seem to get any peace now that I have decided to die. My people must have learned to read minds over the past month as I have spent the majority of my time telling people to go away and stop knocking on my door- they shall not be admitted, and as such I am bored of reminding them of this, I simply ignore them now.

Well, the ignoring tactic lasted all of a few hours, around about two hours past midday; I was jerked unceremoniously from fitful slumber by the apparent sound of my door being smashed in. It turned out not to be Grond, Hammer of the Underworld, but Glorfindel, Captain of the Imladris Guard and resurrected Balrog Slayer, hammering his fist against the groaning oak with no mind to the poor craftsmen that would have to re-align the hinges afterwards.

Now, Fin knows only a little Khûzdul, but the snippets he has picked up put my dismissal of him into stark contrast: he left very quickly, no doubt having deduced that my unusual outburst of temper and utilisation of language meant- not politely- "go away". Alas my new-found peace lasted only for a few, precious moments before he returned, secret weapon in tow. I recognised the sound of my friend's footsteps and was about to launch into another tirade of foul language when a hesitant tap on the door came, softer than before, the accompanying voice gentler and most definitely female.

"Ada please let me in. I know you feel sad, but you need help, please let me help you." It was my youngest child, my daughter Arwen. Her plea washed over me like a wave of calm, pulling me up from the depths of my despair and placing me once more in the light. What could I do besides shuffle painfully to the door and unlock it?

"Be est le," I sighed, before melting into the shadows, aiming for the bed and granting her access. I confess, I hung my head in shame when I heard my daughter's shocked gasp as she looked upon the dust and grime covered mess that had been, until Celebrían's departure, immaculate chambers, full of life and light. Arwen gathered herself and called for me as she traced my route to the bed where I had sunk into the mattress, utterly exhausted by only that small walk. I averted my eyes as she gingerly sat beside me. Her eyes roamed my body, absorbing every tiny detail, analysing and despairing. Suddenly she laid her hand on my cheek and guided my face to look at hers. Startled, I raised my bloodshot eyes and swallowed a sob as she implored,

"Oh, Ada. What have you done to yourself?" it was now my turn to gasp as a single, glistening teardrop trailed down her cheek, where I caught it upon my fingertip and found the part of me I thought had been lost with my wife- the part that allowed me to love, no matter how destitute my life became. I begged her not to cry and shifted closer in order to hold her better in a hug, her head resting on my shoulder and our arms wrapped round each other. I felt myself truly relax for the first time since Celebrían left me, the dam in my eyes breached as I finally allowed the amassed tears to pour forth.

How long we sat there, crying and holding each other I do not know, but as we ran out of tears, Arwen dropped a bombshell on me; the twins, my sons, had reacted to their mother's departure from these shores almost as badly as I have, upon our return to Imladris they had rested only one night before leaving to conduct a mass orc hunt, claiming it was their fault for being too slow to find their mother, for not bringing her home soon enough and that they would better serve Imladris by slaying the monsters that tore Celebrían so cruelly from the tightly woven fabric of our lives.

After her brief tale Arwen informed me that Elladan and Elrohir were on their way back home, returning to check on me, to address a host of niggling wounds and to restock before the next campaign. Apparently, even through the single minded ferocity that drives their hunt, they never forget to come home and see us every few weeks.

I am beginning to think that with a family such as mine, full of such determination and love, perhaps life is still worth living. I think for now, death- and Mandos- can wait. Ah, I must go now; Arwen caught me yawning and has ordered me to bed in my office, of all palces. She has taken it upon herself and her maids to air and clean my rooms before the twins return, and sadly the best time to do that is whilst I am not in the rooms, and asleep.

Elrond


	7. 03:03:2510 TA

**The Diary of Lord Elrond Half-Elven of Imladris in the Years 2509- 2510 of the Third Age.**

**Chapter 7**

3/3/2510 TA

Dear Diary,

The twins are home. Just hours before they got here, Arwen raided my wardrobes and eventually succeeded in finding and dressing me in a handsome set of royal blue robes and silver-blue tunic that weren't too big. She combed and set intricate braids into my hair, much as her mother used to do, and at the sound of hooves clattering in the courtyard she bade me put my mithril circlet on, before going to collect her brothers and escort them to my rooms.

Evidently they had been aware of my condition, but their lengthy travels that kept them from home for so long also kept them from being up to date where any improvements were concerned. This was obvious as soon as they came within my sight; their eyes carried a look of surprise and even awe- I gather they had expected the worst, only to be greeted by something much more pleasant! I felt a familiar tug at my heart as, despite their joy at my recovery, they both hesitated to join me, hovering in the doorway, safely out of my reach. It seemed to me that they looked for all the world like criminals handing themselves in to the authorities. And the first thing they said to me?

Sorry we failed you Ada." I came to them and held them then, they hadn't failed me, hadn't failed anyone. In fact, if they hadn't disobeyed me and gone to look for her when they did, Celebrían may well have been dead by the time she was discovered. I told them it wasn't their fault that she chose to sail; it was no one's fault, and her decision. If neither her mother- Galadriel, Lady of the Light- or myself, both strongly endowed with the gift of foresight, were able to see this happening then perhaps the attack and my wife's subsequent capture was meant to occur…

Arwen returned then, balancing a tray of drinks that she promptly set down in order to join our embrace. Once we had regained control over ourselves, she informed us that we would be eating in the Great hall with the rest of Imladris' inhabitants tonight. I must admit to some trepidation when she told me- I hadn't even set foot in there since Celebrían left, and now I was expected to sit down to a full meal, in front of everyone. How was I supposed to act? Like nothing was wrong, or as if in official mourning? Arwen reassured me that the people would understand; in fact they would probably be as astounded at my presence as I am!

Once we were washed, dressed and considered presentable enough for dinner in public by Arwen's critical eye, we walked hand in hand down the familiar labyrinth of corridors to the Great Hall. Being a little late, we were the last ones to arrive and I therefore had to endure the whole motion of entering through the majestic double doors, in plain view of everyone already seated inside. Before passing through the great frames, I could sense the subdued, solemn atmosphere- even Glorfindel and Erestor's gentle bickering was missing, despite them both being present- but as soon as my family and I stepped into the room, what little conversation there had been dwindled to a silence so thick you could have cut it with a blunt spoon. As suddenly as it came, the silence left. The air now being filled by the scrape of benches as people stood to either welcome or get a better look at us (I never have decided which the more likely reason was.). My bewilderment must have shown, for Arwen dug her elbow into my side and hissed,

"Smile." Some part of me must have registered normality, because once my children were placed at the head table, I gestured to everyone else,

"Please, be seated." From then onwards I managed to conduct the meal as if it were the old days when my wife, not my daughter sat to my left. As I ate, I carefully studied the faces of those around me. It was startlingly easy to decipher who the burden of running Imladris in my stead had fallen on, Erestor, Glorfindel and even Arwen looked about ready to drop asleep in their dinner, despite their wide smiles and the joy in their eyes. I have consequentially resolved to return to my duties as soon as possible. In fact, I will ensure my friends take the rest of the week off to rest whilst I tackle the mountain of work that has no doubt sprung up in my absence- there are only so few documents that can be signed 'on behalf of'.

I realise now that I have been incredibly selfish and must resume my post as Lord of Imladris with greater vigour than ever before, in order to restore hope and happiness to my lands and people. I know, deep in my heart, that this is what 'Bri would want so as I told her on our wedding day: "As you wish, I shall do."

Elrond


	8. 04:03:2510 TA

**The Diary of Lord Elrond Half-Elven of Imladris in the Years 2509- 2510 of the Third Age.**

**Chapter 8**

4/3/2510 TA

Dear Diary,

Today didn't quite go as to plan as I had hoped it would. Thankfully I had succeeded in persuading Erestor and Glorfindel to take the day off without pulling rank- which I hope I never have to do to my friends- but while I was feeling rather pleased with myself, Arwen turned up, Twins and laden picnic basket in tow. My children announced that Imladris could cope for one more day without me; I was to join them for lunch in the gardens and spend the rest of the afternoon in their company, before rejoining the traditional story telling and singing party in the Hall of Fire that evening- although I have been eating in the Great hall with my people, until now I was generally too tired to stay up for this, so to be perfectly honest, I looked forward to it more than I let on! I could also see the determined glint in Arwen's eyes- there was to be no arguing with her on the matter, so I followed them outside, across the main courtyard, into the wide open space of the public gardens, to be greeted by a carpet not of the usual emerald green grass, but of various multi-coloured rugs, assorted families and groups sat on and around them as they plainly waited for us to arrive so they could begin their picnics!

After eating I tried to slip away for some peace and quiet; being a usually private person, this sudden intense interest shown by everyone and anyone was getting to a be a bit too much for me to handle, but of course I failed miserably. Perhaps my predictability was my downfall- I aimed for the discreet glade that had been Celebrían's favourite place to bring me when she deemed I had been working too hard, and consequentially I met at least half of Imladris' current population on my way there. A few came bearing small gifts; others still offering heartfelt apologies for my loss and wishes of peace. I think what surprised me the most was the handful who approached me as something of the Valar, reverently allowing their hand to ghost over my arm, acknowledging for themselves that I was real, that I truly had been removed from my grief enough to return to the world of the living. It was a very humbling experience, and now I begin to understand why neither friends nor family offered any kid of sympathy when I complained to them about my loss of any form of privacy outside of my rooms. Glorfindel just looked at me as though I had dribbled and told me I should be honoured to live in a community that cares so much.

"Your people love you." Matter of fact, is our 'Fin! I suppose he is right though, Imladris began as little more than a refugee camp, but is now considered the Last Homely House west of the mountains- something I doubt it would have become if I had returned to Lindon and left it to its own devices. I have worked hard to earn my people's respect, and from now on I will put them first again. They deserve a lord who is able to see past his own pain and embrace that of everyone- something I will have to do, considering how well loved Celebrían has become here.

Elrond


	9. 12:03:2510 TA

**The Diary of Lord Elrond Half-Elven of Imladris in the Years 2509- 2510 of the Third Age.**

**Chapter 9**

12/3/2510 TA

Dear Diary,

At last my strength is improving. Aside from Arwen's mandatory afternoon nap, I find myself once more able to remain alert throughout the day. The past week has seen me suitably awake in the evenings that I have begun to partake of the Hall of Fire again, sitting in my customary seat before the fire, listening to the singing and tale-telling that we elves are so fond of. I suppose, being nigh on immortal, the only thing we really have to think about- besides day to day life- is the past.

My children seem pleased with the ease at which I have slotted back into everyday life though they do tend towards the overprotective still. I recall they were thoroughly irritated when Glorfindel coaxed me into singing the other night, but I made sure to choose a song they had loved deeply when they were younger and they soon relented! Ah, my memory drifts easily to the past these days, I still think of my wife often, although no longer with as much grief as I have done. I know she had to leave for her own sake, and I know she lives still- I will see her again, Eru willing.

As for more tangible memories, the people of Imladris think it would be an excellent idea to create a memorial garden for her; where anyone can go to feel her presence, without having to sneak into the family quarters to find her evidenced! I spent the day with my children surveying Imladris and I do believe Elrohir has found the perfect spot. The area he found is not large, but it is enough. A trickling stream flows through the centre of a glade, bordered by majestic, mature birch trees. As Elrohir led us into the clearing, Arien shone through the clouds and a shaft of glittering golden light filtered through the leafy canopy, illuminating the ground. Instinctively I feel Celebrían would have loved this place, and I wish she could be here to see it with her own eyes. It was Arwen's idea to commission a statuette of her mother to grace the single Mallorn we will plant in the glade, but as a family we have also decided to build a small summer house, with a veranda overlooking the stream. We hope this will soon be a place where anyone can come to for well earned peace and quiet, a refuge from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Memorials aside, I have decided to truly take to heart my wife's instructions; a task she set me as she turned to board the ship to Valinor,

"Live your life to the full El', I want to hear lots of interesting things from you when we next meet." I'm not sure I can say much of interest about copious hordes of paperwork, or mind-numbing meetings with delegations of traders, but I am certain I could try and make up for the lack of gossip, news and riveting conversation in other ways…

I will have to spend as much time as possible with my children; I hadn't really noticed until now just how quickly they are growing up. Arwen in particular has shown how much she has matured since coming into her own as the sole Lady of Imladris, she is definitely our Undomiel- the Evenstar of her people. It seems to me that no matter how I try, I can't quite keep up with their development; neither of my children are the laughing, tottering elflings I recall easily, the twins are swift becoming lean, hardened warriors, all muscle and sharp edges where there used to be the rounded profile of young boys play fighting on the grass, rolling and tumbling like puppies. I regret they have had to cast off their innocent childhood so soon, though I take comfort in my presence by their sides- I was effectively homeless and orphaned by their current ages. At least there is hope in the future that they may see their Naneth again, as I may see mine when we eventually sail for Valinor, should they choose to do so. I sincerely hope they do; I know the choice that my brother and I faced will be put to my own children, and I can only hold a father's hope that they will choose my path. I have no desire to lose them to the fate of mortal death, and I am sure Celebrían will be sorely disappointed if I am the only one to step off the ship and into her arms!

No matter her gentle blessing on any relationship I may choose to pursue whilst I am parted from her, I know that Celebrían has and ever shall be the only one for me. Subconsciously, I think she only really made the suggestion out of her need to preserve my peace, apparently I brood too much and allow my work to overrun my life without someone there to make me put it aside, but while the blessing is genuine, it is merely a token- she knows I will seek no other, and I know she will have no one else either.

Elrond


End file.
